L'Italo-Americano

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2020 www.italoamericano.org 18 L'Italo-Americano T wo nights before Christmas, a concert version of Tchai- kovsky's The Nutcracker will be held at St. Paul's within the Walls, the Episcopalian church on Via Nazionale in Castro Pre- torio, right in the heart of Rome. "The performance," promises Italian Ticket Office, an online service, "will sparkle more brightly than the Pre-Raphaelite mosaics decorating the apse." To fur- ther promote this event, Al Sogno, the upscale toy store on Piazza Navona, a five- minute walk from here, has stocked its shelves with nut- cracker men. How fierce and silly they look, with their bright uni- forms and bristling mous- taches! Their wild hair and huge teeth pack the shop w i t h u n r u l y c h i l d r e n . I g n o r i n g b o t h t h e p i t i f u l g l a n c e s o f t h e n e g l e c t e d Pinocchios in the corner dis- play and the stern frowns of t h e i r p a r e n t s , w h o a r e ordering takeout carpaccio di bresaola from Bernini Ristorante on Just Eat Italia, the boys and girls fight over the hideous little soldiers. Really, ragazzi! Is this how to celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace? But as history shows, adults also adore toy monsters. Let m e t e l l y o u t h e s t o r y o f Charles VIII, the ridicu- lous French king who cap- tured Rome more than 425 Christmases ago. "Providence," observes J. A . S y m o n d s i n T h e Renaissance in Italy, "fre- quently uses for the most momentous purpose some pantaloon or puppet, envi- roning with special protec- tion and with the prayers a n d a s p i r a t i o n s o f w h o l e peoples a mere mannikin. Such a puppet was Charles VIII." H e w a s n i c k n a m e d L'Affable, the Affable, but there was nothing affable about him, ragazzi. A series of childhood illnesses had left him stunted and half b l i n d . H o o k - n o s e d a n d slack-jawed, he slobbered a n d d r o o l e d f r o m t h i c k , fleshy lips, constantly open but partially concealed by a w i s p y r e d d i s h b e a r d . H i s hands and feet twitched. The few words that ever escaped him were muttered rather than spoken. His limbs were so disproportionate and his p o s t u r e s o p o o r t h a t h e s e e m e d m o r e l i k e a c r a b than a man. He walked with a crouch and a limp, and he a l w a y s w o r e b i g b o o t s t o conceal the fact that he had six toes. Charles yearned to be a g r e a t k i n g b u t w a s unfit to rule. Not only was he a glutton and a lecher but he was also an ignoramus, barely capable of writing his name. Sycophants and coun- sellors told him what to do. Ambassadors flattered and m a n i p u l a t e d h i m . W h e n Ludovico Sforza, the Duke of Milan, enticed Charles to h e l p h i m s e t t l e a d i s p u t e w i t h t h e K i n g o f N a p l e s , C h a r l e s , w h o c r a v e d t h e Neapolitan throne for him- self, never realized he was being played. Instead, he mustered 25,000 men and marched into Italy in early September 1494. Over the next ten weeks, Charles took Genoa, Pavia, Pisa, and Florence, virtually u n o p p o s e d . T h i s a m u s e d R o d r i g o B o r g i a , t h e Spanish prelate recently ele- v a t e d t o t h e C h a i r o f S t . Peter as Pope Alexander VI. "The King of France," he joked, "conquers Italy col gesso (with chalk)," imply- ing that, to seize the coun- try, Charles merely needed to send quartermasters to mark the houses in which his troops would be billeted. The Pope stopped laugh- i n g w h e n G i r o l a m o S a v o n a r o l a , p r e a c h i n g apocalyptic sermons from the pulpit of Santa Maria del Fiore, hailed Charles as "a new Cyrus," a flagellum dei or scourge of God, chosen to liberate Florence from the M e d i c i a n d t o p u r i f y t h e c h u r c h f r o m c o r r u p t i o n . Convinced of his newfound destiny, Charles marched south and reached the out- skirts of Rome by Christmas week. Fearing he would be deposed for simony, Pope Alexander retreated to the Castel Sant'Angelo. Before t h e F r e n c h a r r i v e d , h e warned that if a single salvo was fired, he would mount the battlements and hold the Communion host above his h e a d u n t i l t h e s h o o t i n g stopped. Charles, pious to the point of superstition, assured His Holiness that "not a hen, not even an egg" would be disturbed when his troops entered the city on New Year's Eve. Despite sleet and mud, Romans mobbed the Porta del Popolo to see the parade. F i r s t c a m e t h e g i g a n t i c Swiss mercenaries, flaunting t h e i r p l u m e s a n d e m b l a - z o n e d s u r c o a t s ; t h e n t h e French chevaliers with their silk-draped armor and gild- ed corselets; then the king's S c o t t i s h g u a r d s i n t h e i r s t r a n g e t a r t a n u n i f o r m s ; t h e n t h e G e r m a n l a n d s - knechte with their scythe- like halberds; and finally the k i n g h i m s e l f , l o o k i n g a s drenched and woebegone as a monkfish dragged from t h e b o t t o m o f t h e Tyrrhenian Sea, carted from Ostia in filthy straw and ice, and dumped in the fish mar- ket at the Portico d'Ottavia. The commoners cheered t h e m s e l v e s h o a r s e . " F r a n c i a , F r a n c i a ! " t h e y cried, hoping Charles would rid them of the Borgias. To d i s s u a d e h i m , J o h a n n B u r c h a r d , t h e o w l i s h Protonotary Apostolic and Master of Ceremonies, feted Charles in the Papal Palace. Gorging on porchetta and basking in the light of flam- beaux, the mighty warrior j u s t i f i e d h i s c l e m e n c y . "What else could I do?" he asked a simpering courte- san. "Use a monstrance for target practice? God forbid! That's the Body of Christ, whatever else heretics might claim. So I hit the brothels and let my soldiers loot the c i t y . W a s n ' t t h a t t h e Christian thing to do?" Burchard peered through his spectacles and smirked. "Si non caste tamen caute," he murmured. If you can't be chaste, at least be careful. Charles did not understand Latin, but for Vatican gold, a few fortresses, and a cardi- n a l ' s h a t f o r h i s f a v o r i t e m i n i o n , h e a b a n d o n e d R o m e a n d m a r c h e d t o N a p l e s , w h e r e d r e a m s o f glory ended in disaster. Two and a half years later, while o n h i s w a y t o a t e n n i s match, he struck his head on the lintel of a door. "Don't worry," Charles said. "I have a thick skull." While return- ing from the game, he col- lapsed in a heap, a mari - o n e t t e w h o s e s t r i n g s h a d b e e n c u t . H e d i e d t h a t e v e n i n g . I f h e i s r e m e m - bered today, it is for bring- ing syphilis to Italy. Such is the fate of kings. N o w p u t a w a y y o u r t o y s , r a g a z z i , f o r m y s t o r y i s done. Pasquino's secretary is Anthony Di Renzo, professor of writing at Ithaca College. You may reach him at diren- zo@ithaca.edu. Col Gesso Pasquino marks Charles VIII ANTHONY DI RENZO Pope Alexander VI Borgia (Image: Cristofano dell'Altissimo -http://www.comune.fe.it/diamanti/ mostra_lucrezia/quadri/q08.htm. Wikicommons/Public Domain) HERITAGE HISTORY IDENTITY TRADITIONS

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